Domestic violence

Have you ever been a victim of domestic violence? What advice would you give to women in the same situation? Why do you think women stay in abusive relationships?

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Comments

[yvette]

i too have been a victim of domestic violence, i witnessed my dad beating m mum up from a very early age, then also beating myself...then when i ws 18 i had a boyfriend who beat me up, i had a miscarriage, he used to visit brothels...the list is endless. during this time i felt completely worthless and hated myself...however, when i had proof that he had cheated on me, i found the strength the leave him, and i have had the most amazing 4 years since, and am so proud of myself...although i found the most amazing boyfriend afterwards, and due to the abuse i had received, i didn't trust him one bit, and was quite violent towards him... i just wish people were more aware of the after effects that abuse can have on a person...

[Babymona]

Hi there,

Just felt compelled to comment on this matter!

Dave it IS unfortunate that some people take kindness for weakness & whilst I understand that there are certain individuals that abuse the system of help that is out there for their own purposes(as is out-lined by the case of your Grandsons partner.

I have been affected by Domestic abuse since I was a child, watching/hearing my parents fight has definitely had a knock-on effect in me I was always very aggressive & from a young age more than determined that NO man was gonna treat me like that!
My parents split & eventually my mother entered into a relationship with a lovely man but then she became the agressor-she hadnt dealt with all her issue's & so it continued on-I am pleased to say though they had their problems they have been able to work through them with help & now there is NO violence.

I myself when I was 15 entered into a relationship that turned abusive due to my 25yr old partners drink & drug issue's-I never thought that I would "let" it happen to me & like one of the ladies above I made it better in my mind because I did not just stand there & take it-I fought back, then all the tears/promises & the guilt trips from him!
But it took me losing a child that I had not been aware I was carrying after I was repeatedly kicked in the stomache & ribs-No obvious marks for anyone to see, for me to finally realise that I deserved better than than I was getting.
Then I took time out to build myself up so that I would not attract anymore losers-like I say people take kindness for weakness & any vunerability that you have in you is exploited to the utmost.

I take my hat off & champion Womens Aid for all that they have done for women that have been or are in this situ-& if sometimes their kindness gets taken for weakness by people who aren't so honest thats wrong but they need to believe the people their dealing with because very often those people have been convinced "it's" not abuse that "they deserve it/it's there fault"

[samantha]

I was in an abusive relationship for 3 years with a guy who was 8 years older than me, he had no children never had been married was extrmemly charming and funny in the beginning loved my kids and I do believe he loved me too.
It started one day 6 months into the relationship he had a few to drink and we got into a petty argument an he slapped me accoss the face I was extrememly shocked by his behaviour as I am not the type of person that put up with that kind of behaviour but I did. As the months went on he got worse as did I, I started to hit back and then found I was as abusive as him, we would find ourselves beating the hell out of each other I usually would come off worse as I am a lot smaller than him. So does it mean that I am abusive too? as I would hit him kick him bite him even went to stab him one day I knew that one day one of us would end up dead and finished our relationship for good 10 months ago.
I missed him a lot at first but once I got used to being single again I havent looked back and not beaten up any other guys. So although I was a victim first of all I ended up being the same I am worried now that I am a perpotrator of domestic violence....can I have some opinions please.......

[Bonnie]

Abuse is a horrible thing especially for the person who is getting knocked around and if there are children around, then it is even more difficult, but I think the person who is throwing people down the steps and beating them up, it must be hopeless for that person too because they have so much rage and anger, and can't see pass this, this is not just academic, I can't blame anyone if I was abused,what I can do is take responsiblity, not guilt for what has happened to me, if I just blame the abuser than I am in the same life condition of animality, I must change this life condition(there are 10 life conditions in this Buddhism, hell, animality, hunger, anger, humanity, rapture, learning and realization, budhisatta(helping others) and buddhahood(understanding all things around us and in our own lives)to the higher states,everything has to do with Cause and Effect from time without beginning, meaning put the Lotus Sutra in my life, best English version is by Burton Watson, read 2nd and 16th chapter that is the heart of the Lotus Sutra, there are 28 chapters, this practice is called Nichiren Shoshu Buddhism.
If you approve or don't approve of my comment, it is very sincere and the abusive that I have suffered is getting less and less intense, it has become only verbal and that is because my husband is getting the effect of his abuse he has multiple scrosis. Also I stood up to him, I know that my thought, action and deed are becoming more positive, so if you don't pass the message at lease you know that there is a better way through the Lotus Lotus, which is less angry, greedy and foolish, if you want to know more about Buddhism please e-mail me.
Kind Regards
Bonnie

[E. Gray]

Hiya. Just a point: it's not just women who are victims of domestic violence and abuse. It's also not always the big person who victimises the smaller one, the tall person who tells the shorter one they are worthless, or that the 'couples' involved are necessarily heterosexual.

[helen]

domestic abuse is worldwide, yet our government do not help. we survive violence then the system fails us. that is why women return to their abusers, the system lets us down.

[Wendy]

I've been a victim of domestic abuse and am now disabled as a result of being pushed down some stairs however I left him as soon as I was able to do so. Prior to being pushed all he had done was throw things at me when he was mad once he pushed me though that was it game over! I was not going to stay in a relationship where my children could witness me being bullied like that. Yes it is hard to leave a bullying relationship but if you have any self respect then you go the moment the violence starts especially if you have children. I can understand women who say they thought they could change their partner but the reality is they never change and you cannot let them destroy your life or the lives of any children you have. I was stalked for months after I left him and he regularly threatened me and my house it only stopped when I met my new partner who is a big bloke obviously the ex didn't have the **** to stand up to him.

[colette]

My story is very very similar to colette's story(same name strangely. My ex beat the love out of me but it took nearly 15 years although,would i still be with him if i was still in love with him (Scary) or would i have still left for the safety of our kids, no jail for him as lack of evidence! I had my cards read after the split he told me to pursue the charges as he could see prison bars and strangely enough i am now a prison officer at a mens high security prison and am relieved to endure the justice systom we still have left. Dont think i would of achieved this harsh but rewarding career if i had not suffered my physical and mental hardship past with this unfortunate born/become Monster. Thinking of doing a psychology degree paid for by the prison service, they say life begins at forty and yes believe me its never too late and dont forget- i know the kids undoubtably come 1st then yourself but please make the Bully come last and maybe one day i might be slamming that metal shut and locked of the person who manipulated then blamed and shamed you, beated and cheated you out of a Normal human life. Thanks for listening.

[Dave]

My grandson as been accused of all sorts of things. Forcing his partner to have sex with his friends. Taking hard drugs beating and raping her. Women’s aid wrote a brilliant story for her. They even accused him of abusing his daughter. My wife and I were accuses of abuse. Strange as it may seem we adored her. Court, Police investigations moved her to a safe house. Although he had been under the doctor and there were no trace of any drugs they ignored that fact. There was never any treatment for her so called injuries even after the terrible beatings women’s aid described in their story.
Then she disappeared before the court case. Two days later a phone call from a friend in Devon told us that she was living near them with her NEW PARTNER. The new partner turned out to be our grandsons best friend. We are against any abuse but at least tell the truth. I would not take woman’s aid word for anything. Lies do not help justice.

I can prove this.