Too terrified to have children

Everyone knows giving birth is painful but would it actually put you off having a baby? Have you decided to remain childless because of the thought? Do you think these women can over-come their fears? Is having a baby worth the pain?

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Comments

[N]

I, too, am absolutely terrified of giving birth or even of becoming pregnant. Pregnancy itself seems like the most abhorrent, disgusting state in which a person could find themself and I cannot imagine a parasitic creature living off of me and inside of me for 9 months.

Part of this is a terrible fear of the labor process, the indignity, the lack of control and the pain associated with giving birth. It is also linked to my right-wing religious upbringing which taught me that childbirth is a curse from God, that women are inferior to men, and that our role is childbirth and child-rearing. I no longer believe that of course, but I am so scared and angry and feel desperately inferior just because I am a woman - and very angry that I am expected to use my womb (and even expect it of myself).

Additionally, I suffered from OCD as a child and have severe bouts of anxiety and am absolutely terrified that I will suffer from a worse onset of mental illness if I become pregnant or give birth. I cannot stand the thought of losing my mind and my dreams, and truly and deeply believe that having a child will mean sacrificing all that I am and the only identity that I know.

The problem is that I am engaged to a man who desperately wants a child of his own. He is very loving and understanding, but the fact that he is so understanding makes me feel just horrible that I can't just get over this and have a child with him. Then I get angry and think that it is not my fault that I was cursed with a womb and I should not be ridden with any kind of guilt just because I don't want to use it. I am so afraid of losing him over this - because he's ok with this for now, but what if he's not in the future. I feel that I must either disappoint him or even lose him or undergo the most humiliating and horrific process that I could imagine - living with a parasite inside of me for 9 months. I'm afraid that if I do become pregnant, I won't be able to go through with it and will have to undergo a medically risky abortion. I feel so angry, devalued, and unloved because i feel like my family, my fiancee, and society expect me to sacrifice myself for some creature that none of them have even met.

I am so desperately upset and feel so trapped, I just don't know what to do. I wish there was someone or something that could help.

[kirby sludds]

I am 24 years old and up until a year ago never even considered that I wanted a child because i was so adamant that I didnt one or need one.Im now engaged, due to be married next year and Im broody.I work with children so spend my entire day with babies and this makes me want one even more, theres just only one problem, im petrified of the thought of pregnancy and childbirth.I have a phobia of needles, blood dentists, doctors (anything that involves me being in any of these situations) so for me, getting pregnant isnt an option, giving birth isnt an option and even a c section isnt an option so I now feel as if im basically at a dead end.my partner has made it clear that he wants children one day and I really really do want to be a mum more than anything but im afraid that my fear will never allow me to do this.luckily my partner is okay with this (or so he says) but I wonder how long it will take him to change his mind and leave!.Im relieved that im not the only one who feels this way and it makes me feel alot better knowing this.

Im not jealous of women who have wonderful pregnancies and births as i think they are very lucky and its nice to see so many women enjoy it, what I dont like however is when these same women look at us that are afraid and think yeah right, get over it, this makes me angry as they cannot possibly understand how we feel and by being ignorant like this really doesnt help us

[Jenna]

I am 50 years old and I also threatened suicide if an abortion was not available. I have never been able to have a child. The fear is just too great. I desperately wanted a child and now it is too late, but even now I wouldn't do it. It is just too bad to contemplate.

[Jane Brown]

I've been so terrified not only of the thought of natural childbirth but also breast feeding that I have had two abortions. I'm from a very solid traditional family and have no idea how I would explain to my mother why I can't breast feed. I've decided its easier to just enjoy my nieces and nephews and forego actual parenthood. And the thought of natural childbirth I cant even imagine without abject crippling terror.

[Marcia]

I, too,am terified of giving birth. I am 49 and have never had a child. I never got married until I was 44 as, prior to that, most men wanted babies. I also had two abortions as I could not go through with childbirth and threatened suicide if I could not have an abortion Luckily I have met a man who does not expect me to have children so I married four years ago.
I love children and I find it very sad that I never met a man that would have considered adoption. Still Ihave many nieces and nephews and dote on them all and, luckily, they dote on me too.

[Sash]

I cannot believe someone would tell such a terrible lie in order to get a c-section! There are women who really need c-sections ie danger to them and/or baby, not for fear of giving birth! If you have a fear of birth there are other ways of dealing with it ie hypnotherapy, counselling. A c-section is not an easy option.

[Fiona]

I was always afraid of giving birth and that put me off pregnancy for a long time. When I finally got broody enough that I decided to get pregnant I spent the whole pregnancy terrified of giving birth - convinced that I would die. I found myself unable to sleep at night and ended up in hospital with breathing problems because I was hyperventilating.

Everyone kept reassuring me it was not that bad and that as my mum had an easy birth I would too. Unfortunetly this was untrue and I ended up in hospital for 5 days being induced before having the have an emergency ceasarean. It was worse than I thought it would be however the end result was worth it. I look at my son and I am glad I did it - although I will never do it again. I do really envy those women who find it all easy and enjoy their pregnancy and birth.

[Sally]

I was trying for a baby for 15 years before I became pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. The pain of a childless marriage was far worse than giving birth. My daughter is within weeks of giving birth herself and I can now relive the joy all over again.

[jane murray]

Thank you for the article. Earlier on it was a stigma for me to face the same fears. But now I realize that it is not just me but quite a lot of other women around who experiences the above fears. We need help and not criticism. I am glad those phobics are not hypocrites and said what they really feel. That is why so many responses here.

[sahrish]

i think that you dont need to be terrified to have a baby because the outcome is a lovely child. you have lived your life and why not let another little child live theirs to.

[tiffany murrain]

this feature made me realise i wasnt alone. i was terrified of child birth but i had my baby girl in 2006 i didnt think i could handle labour but 10 minutes 3 pushes and a bit of gas and air it was a triumph i think birth shows you what you are really capable of and most mothers agree the result of a beautiful baby is most definately the reward
X

[Katie]

For a long time now ive had reoccuring dreams of having babies & the idea of giving birth really scares me. After reading the article it was a relief to know that there are people who feel the same thing

[keri webster]

I'm upset about the article in issue 12 of birth phobics. Some women can't actually have kids and it boils me up for those who'd abuse pregnancy. Every woman has fears when it comes to childbirth but if you really want a family of your own all of that surpasses that.

[Libby]

i found out i was accidentally pregnant at 5 months! i had been on the depo injection, i couldn't have an abortion and i really didnt want to but the prospect of birth did make me feel that i would of rather of not been pregnant, but this phobia took hold of me and grew worse and worse until i told my consultant i wanted a caesarean, she off handedly told me that it wasn't an option as i had no medical reason for it, i pleaded with this arrogant and ignorant proffesional until i was told i would be reffered to a second consultant because i developed gestational diabetes, i was so desperate that i lied about the reason i wanted a caesarean, i shamfully told her that i had been raped when i was younger and could not go through with a natural birth i would of prefered not to be pregnant and feard that i would hate my baby - she took this very seriously and booked my c section that day, i only said this to her because i knew from researching it online that this was a vaild reason consultants allow you to have a c section apart from medical grounds - on the nhs at least. i regret having to tell such a disgusting lie, and have not told anyone in my family or partner about it as i feel so guilty, but part of me feels like i had no choice as i was refused when i asked before but i was so relieved that despite having a painfull condition (spd) i enjoyed the last 2 months of my pregnancy and looked forward to having my baby. i was so happy that i had the c section especially since they couldn't get the epidural in the right place after 5 attempts, i was put to sleep, and the thought of having to give birth without an epi was absolutly terrifying beyond my comprehension, before i had the c section booked i was thinkning - trying to convince myself i could do it if i had an epi and a few other things but now knowing it wouldn't of worked im the happiest mother in the world.
i don't think ppl understand how this can ruin your life as a mother, expectant mother and woman, i remember feeling so desperate i was in tears daily, i srongly feel that women should be able to choose how to give birth, something so special and personal should beabled to be controled by the mother by some extent, i feel sorry for the women who are fobed of and told, " oh its normal to feel this way, don't worry you'l be fine " - its not fine, this can seriously damage a relationship between mother and baby, and her recurring pregnancies if any for life.

[Jenni]

I am afraid of child birth. I didn't realise it was an issue until I read this article.

Jenni