Sex phobic

Do you have a phobia that gets in the way of your life? At what point does a slight fear become a phobia? How can you stop it controlling your life?

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Comments

[Hollie]

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now and I'm still a virgin we have tried to have sex but never succeeded because once I begin to feel pain j start to panic and stop it from happening, he is patient with me but I do want to do this, is this classed as a phobia or is this something else, I could really do with some help!

[bibi]

I'm 23 years old and i don't enjoy sex. I find it painful and uncomfortable. when i first lost my virginity i thought the pain was normal and expected since it was my first time. But after several times with two different relationships it still felt the same. i could never enjoy it because it was so painful. The thing is that i do get aroused and i enjoy the foreplay all the touching and kissing but as soon as i am penetrated all i could feel is the pain. i want to have sex, i get aroused but the penetration part scares me and so i decided to be celibate and give up on sex. it's been two years now since i've become celebate. i wish i could find out what's wrong with me...

[charlie]

Hi,I guess I ve same thing in common with Gail. Was sexually abused as a child and now cant bear the pain of penetration.Its a morbid fear and paralysing my relationships,funny thing is that I want to have sex but cant just do it.My gynecologist tells me there is nothing physically wrong with me.What do I do?

[Melissa]

I am totally phobic of relationships, I have been divorced for almost seventeen years. I married the worst person in the world he was abusive and an alcoholic, what he did to me physically and mentally was way beyond abuse, he was sadistic and hateful he threatened to kill me on a weekly basis and a couple of times he almost did. I left him almost sixteen years ago,and two years ago he died of natural causes, but when ever I think of getting involved with someone or even talking to another man, I have flashbacks to when I was with him. It terrifies me. I have been basically Celibate for ten years, giving up on sex and love and focusing on my job and taking care of my family. At work I have the same problem as M,friends try to set me up and I make excuses
I feel some might think I'm gay too, but I got to the point that I don't care anymore, I'm 40, set I'm my ways, I tell myself, but I know deep down Inside I am still scared I will meet someone like my ex husband or worse, I don't think I could survive that emotionally.

[Mandy]

I have been in a same sex relationship for 10 years. Recently we both decided that this relationship kind of happened out of need not want. I have had a physical relationship with her and found it easy. This mainly because is was my best friend before we took into out of bounds. I am now looking for a " normal " relationship. I am completly phobic about intimacy even kissinh a bloke. I had a very bad experience when I was 17 with a lad that tried to push me into stuff i wasn 't ready for I don't think this helps. Still being a virgin in the literal sence at 31 year of age makes me feel like freak. I am getting wound up about it. The thought of a relationship with a man just freaks me out. But not as much as it does with having another same sex one. That just happened. I hope that there is someone out there that can help.

[William]

What a future treasure for some lucky guy. I am 70, had a career in the 'beautiful woman' business and am happy to say this young lady is a prize. She has nothing to be ashamed of, even the fleeing from intimacy. We all are tuned to different metronomes and should just plod along without getting too upset at anything. Remember, we are just a bunch of animals pretending to be gods. I sure wish I was 25 again and had the good fortune to bump into this wonderfully honest and very attractive member of the opposite sex.

[Vix]

A close friend of mine is a christian guy and he won't have sex until he is married.

I think Gail's problem is tied up in the loss she experienced when the relationship ended. Its clear to me that things got too steamy for her then boyfriend and he had to bail out quickly, in order to comply with his religeon. He obviously didn't want to get himself into that situation again. Its unfortunate that this episode was part of an early adult relationship for Gail, which in any other case may well have become sexual. But through no fault of her own, not only was she deprived of that experience but also rejected in the relationship.

She needs to move on with her life, put what happened behind her and see for herself that that sex in a loving relationship can be a wonderful experience. It would be a pity for her to miss out on that.

[Aisha]

i am 27 yr old girl, i have just married,is a month now since my wedding and i am still virgin but i think i have got same problem as Gail,i am afraid of sexual intercourse with my husband!he gets angry with me once i tell him that i am getting pain and stopped it with angry so we hane done nothing all that time!he started to insert his pennis but not all and i am feeling so much pain somewhere which is like a wall in hardness to the inside we are thinking is where virgin is but is so painful that i can't tolerate the pain i have!my worries is may be my husband has got long or not my size pennis and thats why the pain comes!eventhough i heard of people talking about that pain for a first day of sex! i need your advice on what to do please i dont know what to do and my husband gets angry with me!

[Lena]

Thank you so much for bringing this issue into light! You have no idea what a relief it is to read articles other than "How To Please Your Man in 101 Different Ways". I can really relate to what Gail goes through as I too have suffered from this condition for 10 years now, all in silence and great shame of not being 'normal'. There's a tremendous outside pressure on you being sexually active, almost on the verge of promiscous, and it's a hellish trap if you don't fit in. I've grown tired of trying to explain myself to other people and friends, why I'm not on the pull, why I haven't had a boyfriend for as long as they've known me, why I don't flirt, why I'm so stiff when we go out clubbing... the situations when you feel crippled are countless. So nowadays I just lie and make up stories to seem like everybody else. I've thought about getting help, but I'm not sure what anyone could help me with. It's not like I suffer from low self esteem or such, I simply don't feel comfortable in intimate situations. It's like when things get steamy you suddenly realize that no, this is not what I want. And you can't go though with it because that would be like violating yourself. So in getting help you would make it easier for you to "mow down" yourself but is that really the best solution? Would I be doing this because it's the best for me or because the outside preassure has gotten to me? Needless to say, this is a very complex issue and I'm everso greatful when a paper focuses on it. Thank you.

[bil]

i have read about this girl Gail and feel sorry for her . but i think day by day she will over come with her problem . and i lkie her she is what i am looking for . if any 1 can help me to contect her i will be very thank full . thanks

[m]

Reading this article has made me feel that i am not alone with my problem, i too have a issues with intimacy and i suffer very similar reactions towards women. i too am 25, but male and yes i am still a virgin. i am fine with women as friends and told i am a catch by some, but as soon as things get romantic or sexual i freek out and find away to escape. I fancy women but this fear of intimacy has lead to me detaching myself from the dating game to the point a close friend asked me if i was gay saying "its alright if you are" this made me feel angry, but i could understand his point.i have had several chances to progress friendships into relationships with women that i found attractive, but have always found a way to mess it up in a rather self destructive manner. but i am working on it. i too had low self esteem, mine i think stems from my over-thinking of events and meanings in what people say but i am hopeful for the future my time will come!

[holly]

OH MY GOD!!
U do not know how relieved i am to have read this. I am exactly the same as Gail i cant bear to have a man touch me altho i want it - sounds totally irrational!! I wud love to find some1 to help me out with it - do u know of any1 who can help me - is there any people who specialise in this ?