LOVE ON THE ROAD

Love on the road


This week ZoË and train man
go mountain climbing

THIS WEEK ZOË TRIES TO TALK TRAIN MAN INTO FATHERHOOD

After last week's hell up the mountain we've stuck to sea level for the past seven days. We've travelled to eastern Borneo and the Sepilok Orang-utan Rehabilitation Centre, where you can see these gentle apes up close.

Train Man is an animal lover. I love this about him despite the fact I don't like animals much. I like orang-utans – they're funny – but I'm scared of kittens and I hate dogs chasing me when I run. But put Train Man next to something four-legged and he gets clucky.

At feeding time, one orang-utan hugged the ranger who was standing beside us. Train Man melted. On our walk back to our hotel at the Sepilok Nature Resort, Train Man got all mushy.

"I wish the orang-utan had hugged me," he moaned. I had an idea.

"Let's have a baby! It'll be like having our own orang-utan, but better. You can hug it all you like and it'll look like a cute mini-you."

Train Man went quiet and pondered my proposal.

"Can you guarantee our baby will swing through trees?"

"I'll train it from birth," I replied. "Like a baby Tarzan. I'll have him swinging effortlessly through the sunny woods of Hertfordshire before he's two."

Train Man seemed compliant, then slightly panicked as if he'd just signed his life away.

"We can only have a baby if it has orange hair."

"But we're both brunette!"

"Well, I only want a baby if it can swing through trees and has long orange hair," he insisted.

"OK, I'll source a wig," I conceded.

Then he made another demand.

"It has to eat bananas."

"Now you're just being stupid," I huffed.

Miles travelled: 138

Terse sentences exchanged: 1

Chances of having a ginger baby: Low

Next week: Has Zoë finally found paradise?

LOVE ON THE ROAD

Love on the road


This week ZoË and train man
go mountain climbing

THIS WEEK ZOË AND TRAIN MAN GO MOUNTAIN CLIMBING

It was my birthday on Wednesday and I slept with four men that night. It wasn't supposed to be like that but Train Man thought we should do something adventurous. Let me explain.

Not wanting to sit on a bus for nine hours, I decided to mark my birthday by climbing south-east Asia's tallest mountain, Kinabalu. That was the idea, anyway.

We flew from Kuala Lumpur to Sabah in Malaysian Borneo, where escapades aplenty are to be found river deep and mountain high. Train Man approved of my adventurous spirit as he's a Mountain Man. Somehow, he didn't think we'd been keeping it real in Topshop Kuala Lumpur.

We spent the day hiking up to the rest point while thoughts raced through my head. From: "I'm 32 but so alive!" to: "Where's the romance?" and: "This is his fault". At the lodge, 3,272m up, I realised all romance was out – our room was a dorm, already occupied by three guys from San Francisco. They were cute, though, so it could have been worse. And Train Man had sneaked chocolate cake into his backpack.

But as dark descended, so did a typhoon. We endured hellish wind and rain, which shook the lodge all night. To make matters worse, I got altitude sickness and vomited the contents of my stomach, including six yummy squares of cake.

I cried as I climbed into Train Man's bunk. "Need… a… doctor," I whimpered. Train Man held me tight – his bedside manner much improved – and assured me we'd be OK.

"Don't you ever get scared?" I squeaked.

"Erm, I'm quite scared now," he mumbled.

We're doomed, I thought.

At first light, we trudged down to sea level to recuperate. I've since told Train Man in no uncertain terms that I'm a Beach Girl and he can scale Everest with his mates.

Next week: Zoë and Train Man fall for an orang-utan

Miles travelled: 953

More terse thoughts than words

Birthday candles: 32

 

LOVE ON THE ROAD

THIS WEEK ZOË PONDERS WHAT HER TRAVELS HAVE TAUGHT HER

This week I had a realisation. I've been travelling with Train Man for four months and 19 days – a third of our trip. So this is what I've learnt about life and love in that time:

1. A Bollywood film is so long, it can take three nights to watch.

2. Single beds are big enough for two people – you just have to really like the person you're sleeping with.

3. For the best seats, get on a bus first but a boat last.

4. Old Vietnamese men make good running buddies (they're slow and encouraging).

5. Train Man can spend an hour taking one photo.

6. Sometimes Train Man loves his camera more than he loves me.

7. After six weeks of eating curry for breakfast, lunch and dinner, Pizza Hut doesn't seem that bad.

8. After six weeks of curry for breakfast, lunch and dinner, you will have gained weight.

9. Thai ladyboys have better legs than I do.

10. You can watch Man United play live anywhere in Asia.

11. I'm not the best Spanish teacher, and Train Man is not the best Spanish student.

12. If a travel guide calls a restaurant ‘classy', it won't be.

13. Three hours writing emails seems like three minutes.

14. Sometimes I love my laptop more than I love Train Man.

15. A ‘mid-range' hotel in India doesn't mean clean sheets.

16. Backpacking with a boy is great if you hate spiders.

17. You don't need half the products in your make-up bag.

18. Bangkok has the worst climate for a girl with wavy hair. I should have brought my GHDs.

19. Running in towns full of wild dogs is inadvisable.

20. Train Man is quite possibly the most beautiful and tolerant man in the world.

Miles travelled: 564

Terse sentences exchanged: 0

Pizza cravings: off the scale

Next week: Zoë celebrates her birthday up a mountain