THE TOXIC BACHELOR

STUART HOOD'S COUNTING HIS SPERM – AND DOESN'T CARE IF IT'S COMING UP SHORT

Look out ladies there's a new Toxic in town. My nephew Fin has just been born, and judging from his big blue eyes and Tom Cruise smile, he's going to be a bit of a charmer. But enough about him and back onto my favourite subject – me. I'm having a terrible week, and it's all Fin's fault.

OK, so it's not entirely his fault, it's more an issue regarding what he is – a baby – and when I'm going to father one – no time soon (well, I am only 28).

"Your turn now, Stu," poked my grandmother, bashing me in the crown jewels with her handbag. "And you'd better step up to the plate quickly. I've read your chances of becoming a father decrease at 35 – and by 40? You may as well not bother."

Her conclusion? My biological clock's ticking, so I need to cast aside my condoms, light some candles, and get impregnating NOW. My reaction? A slightly confused eye squint, shrug and desire to proceed as I am.

At this stage, it's important to clarify that my indifference to impending infertility isn't due to disbelief – I know better than to argue with science (or my gran) – it's just that men couldn't care less if their semen gets weaker as they get older.

Even if a man's in a relationship, if he's reached his 30s and he hasn't had children, he's come to terms with the possibility he never will. This isn't to say he doesn't want kids (I certainly do). It merely means he's realistic about the fact his current lifestyle choices are not conducive to fathering an infant. So it isn't even worth considering.

Men don't have kids "in case we can't have them later" or because we wake up one day and "want one". We have them because we (and you) have planned to.

We ask ourselves: "Am I with the right woman? Can I provide for three people financially?" And, most importantly: "Am I capable of growing up and looking after another human?"

Then we get scared, answer no, load Grand Theft Auto IV and change the subject. Talking of which, must go. Need to freeze my sperm before it's too late.

Dear Toxic Bachelor

After six years together, my boyfriend is keen for us to get married. I saw my parents go through a difficult divorce and I don't want the same to happen to me. How can I tell him I'm not the marrying kind?

Aside from a £20,000 bill, I'm not sure what difference a wedding will make. If you split up, married or not, it's going to be painful.

If you stay together, married or not, you need to communicate. Tell him straight. Chances are he's only pressing because he thinks it's what you want him to do anyway.