TOXIC BACHELOR

WANT TO KNOW WHAT MEN REALLY THINK ABOUT LOVE, DATING AND SEX? STEP FORWARD STUART HOOD...

I have a recurring nightmare.

It involves me waking up with a fit-to-burst bladder. So far, so ordinary, until you discover I'm naked and it isn't my bed, or even my house.

I get up gingerly and creep into the hall where there are three doors. I choose the one straight ahead. It must be the toilet. Surely? It isn't. It's the kitchen, where a family are tucking into brunch. Startled, they turn, look me up and down, then point and laugh, long and hard.

At this point I really wake up – sweating, but not naked. God, no. I can't sleep nude. What if there's a fire? Or a burglar? Or…

Women can't monopolise body neurosis. You can try (and boy, do you), but men suffer too. You have saggy breasts; we have man boobs. You fixate over flat stomachs; we ask Santa for a six-pack. You curse chubby ankles; we chastise undefined calves. You epilate armpits; we shave chests (bad idea, too itchy). You cuss childbearing hips; we wonder if anyone, anywhere, will ever find a penis attractive.

We, like you, stand in front of the mirror – pouting, posing, preening, breathing in – desperately trying to convince ourselves that, when the special moment with the special person comes, we can shed our clothes without invoking horror. And we, like you, do it because it's a big deal.

When you get naked in front of someone (and I'm talking naked-naked, not fleeting, unmemorable, sneak-out-at-7am-naked) you're displaying what really lies beneath – offering up every bump, bruise, bingo wing and birthmark to be judged by someone you like and who you hope likes you.

That's nerve-wracking, awkward and daunting. But take solace, it's worse for us. Not only do we not notice your "slightly dimply thighs", we've vetted your vital statistics long before we got started. You, however, have no idea about the big (or little) secret we still have to reveal. Lights on or off? I think we both know the answer.

Dear Toxic Bachelor

I'm internet dating, but keep going on first dates then never hearing from the men again. It's upsetting — how can I stop it happening?

Does your dating profile really reflect who you are? Clue — it doesn't. Your photos hide your flaws and your words oversell your personality. All girls do this, and we gullible men buy into it. The problem is, the real you differs from our internet expectations. We feel cheated and don't get in touch again. Be honest. You won't get as much attention, but you'll get a second date.