TOXIC BACHELOR

STUART HOOD PULLS INTO THE LAST SERVICE STATION BEFORE BOYFRIENDVILLE…

Thursday. 12.47am. Hannah was drunk. And horny, if her text message was anything to go by: "Wha?T uP 2! Missed yu soo much. Fancxy meetIn UP? x". Less than 12 hours later, she's hungover and ashamed. "Sorry. Just looked at sent messages. Really embarrassed."

Before I go on, I'd like to admit, in this case, I'm not holier than thou. I've sent incomprehensible emails at ridiculous hours (damn you, Blackberry), and texted exes when intoxicated. I've drunk-dialled. You've drunk-dialled. We all have. It's an almost inevitable occurrence when drunkenness, desperation and technology collide.

But it isn't right. Or excusable.

No bones about it, drunk-dialling is weak, stupid and immature and eventually it's going to cost you, if it hasn't already, so you must control it. Sadly, the solution involves a semblance of self-control. Want in? Read on.

Married? Lucky you. For you, anything goes – as long as it's your partner you're calling, of course. Ditto if you're coupled up.

However, if you're single, drunk-dialling is never acceptable, but you're the biggest offenders and you're not going to listen. So before you next commit textual suicide, do yourself a favour: ask yourself what you're realistically hoping to achieve. Will you regret sending it in the morning? How would you feel if you were the sober recipient?

You came up with three words, didn't you? Sex, yes and power. You're texting because you want sex, and yes, you will regret it, because you're giving the recipient power.

Hence we come to the one and only solution. Delete, erase, lose, destroy. Remove every single one of your exes' numbers from your phone. With them go memories, but at least you'll be rid of temptation.

Dear Toxic Bachelor

I'm seeing a guy and it's not serious, but I'd like it to be. Whenever I bring up the subject, he looks like he could run for the hills, but when he thinks he's going to lose me, he's all over me like a rash. What's going on?

Duh! Like most men he just wants to have it all. Someone who's always around to look after him and provide regular sex, and the freedom to play the field. That's the only explanation for his schizophrenic exterior. Want things to change? Put your foot down and force him to commit either way.

Comments

[Marissa]

I love the toxic bachelors article!! Hes awesome!!!