TOXIC BACHELOR

STUART HOOD PULLS INTO THE LAST SERVICE STATION BEFORE BOYFRIENDVILLE…

Leanne was shouting. Given that she hails from a family of south London market traders, this was bad news for everyone in her postcode and cataclysmic for my eardrum. It was all my fault. For no obvious reason, I'd become weird, aloof. I'd gone cold on her.

"Is it something I've said?" she screamed.

"No."

"Something I've done?"

"No."

"Aaaarrrrggghhh! Just tell me what you want me to do."

"Nothing," I replied. And I didn't. Because she couldn't – I'd been struck down by Three Month Syndrome (TMS), and there wasn't a damn thing she could do about it.

TMS is an untreatable malaise that affects commitment-phobic men after a courting period of roughly 13 weeks. The point where "Danger – serious risk of relationship!" signs force us off the dating motorway and into the last service station before Boyfriendville. A place where we sit for up to two weeks, procrastinating over our next move.

Do we take the single carriageway (or low road) – dumping you before things get serious? Or the dual carriageway (high road) in the hope you might be The One?

For us, it's a time of contemplation and consideration. For you, it's a time of incomprehensible irritation. But – and here's the very important part – no matter how insular we become, no matter how much we deserve it (and we do deserve it), do not, repeat do not, bust our balls. There's only one cure for TMS and it's space. Not jip, not extra attention, not even oral sex (although feel free to try) – just space.

We need space to persuade our bad angel the grass isn't greener on the single side and, for once, the easy option isn't the best route. Allow us this and there's more than a 50 per cent chance we'll pick you up on the high road. Get in our face and we're locking the passenger door, screeching back down the low road, and you won't see us for dust.

Dear Toxic Bachelor

There's a guy at work I really like, but when I try to talk to him, he mutters at me and won't make eye contact. Is he shy or not interested?

Look at how he behaves with everyone else. If he's the life and soul with Donna from Accounts but blanks you, he hasn't noticed you. If he's able to converse with all and sundry bar you, he's both shy and interested. If he's shy with everyone, a few "team" drinks are the solution. Get him to a bar, force some bravery juice into him, and you'll have your answer.

Comments

[danielle elliott]

I think your colum is great , it is so refreashing to hear the truth from at least one man on this planet , great stuff .