TOXIC BACHELOR

WANT TO KNOW WHAT MEN REALLY THINK ABOUT LOVE, DATING AND SEX? STEP FORWARD STUART HOOD...

Oh God. She can't have, can she? Not again. Judging from the mood music, guest china and whiff of scented candles, she can and she has. Despite what she said, my friend Caroline and her boyfriend aren't having a few mates round.

They're having two: the girl desperately trying to find a hole in the floor to crawl into, and myself.

"Stuart, this is the fantastic Hilary; Hilary, this is the lovely Stuart," grins Caroline, before adding with sledgehammer subtlety: "Relax and get to know each other."

She's stopped short of making us wear 'single' T-shirts and highlighting the condom drawer 'in case of emergencies' – but then again she doesn't have to. We get the point. Everything about the evening stinks of a set-up. Which means, of course, that relaxation is impossible. Hence the night lurches from awkward silence to awkward silence.

"I can't believe you two didn't click," sighs Cilla – sorry, Caroline – later. "This time, I thought she was perfect."

Yes, "this time" does mean there's been a precedent. Two, in fact – the seemingly mute Jo, and the 6ft-plus Lizzie. A less than dynamic duo now made into a terrifying trio with the addition of Hilary – a lady who, while perfectly pleasant, would be unstoppable if she ran at you from five yards. Varied? Certainly. Perfect? I'll crack the jokes.

"Do you have any idea of my type?" I ask Caroline morosely. "Clearly not. I like dark, petite girls. You select Jo, Lizzie and Hilary. Stop meddling. Stop meddling now."

I know Caroline and all you coupled-up Cupids mean well. I know you only want what's best for your friends. So all I and my single brethren ask is that you ask. Ask us what sort of man/woman we like. Ask us – via an email, with photos – if said friend fits the bill. Then ask what situation we'd be comfortable meeting in.

And that's it. Three simple questions. Three simple questions that will solve a hell of a lot of problems. Three simple questions that will save Caroline a hell of a lot of scented candles.

Dear Toxic Bachelor

My boyfriend turns his phone off when he's on a night out, which means I can't get hold of him. Sometimes he stays out all night. Should I worry?

Err, yes! The phone thing isn't a big deal. Even my flatmate (a real rabbit-roaster) prefers radio silence over her bloke and 15 lads crooning Sweet Caroline down the blower at 2.30am. But not coming home? That's bad.

One non-appearance is trivial, two is excusable, three requires discussion, more is a major worry. He's making a fool of you. Confront him now.