TOXIC BACHELOR

WANT TO KNOW WHAT MEN REALLY THINK ABOUT LOVE, DATING AND SEX? STEP FORWARD STUART HOOD...

Clark Kent uses a phone box. Jemma uses her work toilet. He slips into a blue suit, pulls on a pair of red Y-fronts and emerges as Superman.

She pushes up her cleavage, swaps flats for heels, lowers her IQ and emerges as Bimborella. He's faster than a speeding bullet.

She's dimmer than a This Morning quiz contestant. His mission is to save the planet. Hers is to find a Friday night bed buddy.

Both succeed. Only one emerges with any respect.

I'll rewind a little. Jemma is my best female friend. We speak most weeks and spar over email most days. By day, I absolutely adore her. She's pretty, smart, funny, everything I could ask for. By night, however, I despair and we fall out.

She undergoes the aforementioned character transformation. She plays dumb to secure men. She becomes someone I can't comprehend, let alone love.

"Why? Why do it?" I lament. "Your friends like you for who you are. You got your job because of who you are. In fact, you've got everywhere you've ever got because of who you are.

So why throw it all out of the window? Why sell yourself short?"

"It's what guys want," she scoffs. "It boosts their ego. If I told them the truth (she earns £25,000 a year and enjoys J.D. Salinger novels), I wouldn't get half as many."

True, but she might get a real one. A real man who – shock horror – likes her for who she is. A man who views her as something other than a one-night good-time girl. Believe me, such men are out there. Men, like me, seeking a female companion strong enough to be herself.

Searching for someone who offers substance not subservience; conversation not capitulation; backbone not bed board.

Don't get me wrong: I'm an equal opportunist – I'll sleep with you either way. But I'll only come back if you offer some sort of challenge. A bimbo is a bimbo. They merge into one. A woman is different. A woman is a challenge. And I like a challenge.

If you want sex, play the bimbo. If you want respect, treat yourself with some.

Dear Toxic Bachelor

I've recently lost a lot of weight, but my boyfriend keeps commenting that he misses my extra pounds. Do guys really prefer bigger women?

Short answer: some do, some don't. Long answer: this query throws up three scenarios. One, is that you've bagged yourself a Fern Britton-fancying ‘chubby chaser' in which case, beef up, or prepare for single life.

Then there's the unlikely possibility that you've dieted down to waif-like status. If so, see a doctor. And finally (and most likely) — you looking great has made him feel ugly and useless. The only way he's going to feel better is by either getting down the gym, or dragging you back into the mire.

And since he can't be bothered with the former, he's formulating a plan to ensure the latter.