TOXIC BACHELOR

WANT TO KNOW WHAT MEN REALLY THINK ABOUT LOVE, DATING AND SEX? STEP FORWARD STUART HOOD...

I've always considered a stroll along the river and a pub lunch a fairly self-explanatory date.

We meet. Walk. Eat. And then wander back to the start point, via a short stop on a bench, where we chat, flirt and, if my luck's in, kiss.

Obvious, eh? Apparently not.

"What are you wearing?" I queried as Vic wobbled towards me on platforms that could support a North Sea oil rig.

"Ooh, they're my new boots," she cooed. "Like them?"

They were nice, as it happened, sexy even, but that wasn't the point. The point was we were about to embark on a five-mile trip along an uneven path and she'd come dressed for a night out with the girls. The point was she'd missed the point. Completely.

I shook my head, bit my tongue and started walking. Then stopped because Vic had twisted her ankle. Then started. Then stopped. Then started. Then… you get the picture. Three hours later we'd gone less than two miles, had four arguments, suffered five twisted ankles (her four, me one) and one grazed knee (her).

You won't be surprised to discover Vic and I stumbled our separate ways soon after. A parting that made her the fourth – that's fourth – woman I've dumped because of her sartorial sins. Sounds harsh. Actually isn't.

Zoe moaned about being cold, yet refused to wear coats. Louise's cleavage showcase left me fending off aggressive suitor after aggressive suitor and left my grandfather in bed following a Christmas Day 'funny turn'. Nat's malfunctioning wardrobe culminated with her arriving at a Peterborough football match wearing a dress and heels. What? What? What!?

Each one looked like they'd read the wrong invite, each one attracted startled stares, each one gave the same excuse. "I just wanted to impress you," they said. Thanks, but if you really want to impress me, think.

Think, and then dress appropriately. Not sexily. Appropriately. Because as arousing as flesh-flashing is in the right club on the right night, in the wrong place at the wrong time, it's not sexy. It's just plain silly.

Dear Toxic Bachelor

I've been on a couple of dates with a great guy. We have lots in common, but he's a Christian. Religion plays a huge part in his life, and I'm an atheist. Do you think this will be a problem?

The PC answer is it shouldn't be an issue. My answer is, it will be huge, and your relationship will live and die on how much he's willing to compromise his faith.

Sacrilegious? Possibly, but let's face it, if his ground rules are no sex before marriage, compulsory attendance at church every Sunday and bible class every Tuesday, you'll try for a couple of weeks, then quickly realise you don't really have enough in common for this to be worth you running around chastely getting nowhere.

Get out, before you get in.