TOXIC BACHELOR

Want to know what men really think about love, dating and sex? Step forward Stuart Hood...

February 14, 1995, I was one happy chappy. Not only was Karen – top five in year, top three when hair tied back – my Valentine, we'd agreed to "just swap cards", freeing finances for important things like vodka. And Irn-Bru.

We met at our special place – the geography corridor – during morning break. We had 15 minutes. We needed two. The time it took her to find out I had not, as discussed, bought her a present. "What? Darren got Laura perfume. Selfish p****," she screamed, slapping me before running into the girls' toilets, never to be seen socially again.

Fast-forward 13 years, five relationships, three jobs and two cities, and nothing has changed. This annual celebration still does what it does. It messes women up.

I'll lament women in relationships first. Why? Why do it? Valentine's Day arrives and boom, where peace was present, a storm stirs.

"Is that all I'm worth?" asked Maria, my girl of six weeks, after I'd bought her flowers and perfume. "Three kisses? Why? And 'love'? You wrote 'love'. Do you mean it?"

Woah. Woah. Stop searching. Quit analysing. There are no answers. Don't get your undercrackers interwoven. Valentine's is a performance undertaken because society sticks a knife in our back and frogmarches us to the nearest Hallmark. It's as meaningless as the sex I expect to be having on Thursday.

Narcissism? Not really, it's just that if it's obvious that attached women are messed up on Valentine's, single women need to be sectioned. They hit the town lonely, drunk, desperate and in search of 'romance'. A cocktail of low self-esteem that leaves them, well, open to an evening of togetherness.

"You're shingle, I'm shingle, let's kisshh," slurred a girl whose name I can't recall in 2003. Ten hours later she was sneaking out of my flat. Did she feel better about herself? Doubt it. Did we keep in touch? Course not. Did I care? Not one jot. It was Valentine's and on Valentine's, the single man's role is not to reason why. It's to take advantage of insecurity, then say goodbye.

Dear Toxic Bachelor

Should I go out for dinner with a guy who works in the same office as my ex? I'm tempted, but I'm worried it could get messy.

What's the dilemma? Of course you should! If you didn't, what would be next? "Oh he's got the same name as my ex, so I better not go near him" or "he's got the same make of jeans, I can't possibly let him buy me a drink." When you break up with someone the only people on the 'banned' list for new partners are family members, close friends and mutual acquaintances – the rest of the world is fair game. So quit worrying and get on with your life because I can assure you, he is. In fact, he's probably dating someone you know right now.

Comments

[Suzy]

Dear Toxic Bachelor, (you're not really toxic,just a man in need of a labotomy)

We are writing this under the presumption that your editor has obviously not had the chance to edit let alone read your column! We don't even find what you've written offensive because it's just to hilarious to take seriously!

"five relationships, three jobs and two cities, and nothing has changed."..... and you question us?

R.S.V.P if you dare!

lots of love
from

single (not sad) & attached (not latched)

p.s Happy Valentine's!