TOXIC BACHELOR

WANT TO KNOW WHAT MEN REALLY THINK ABOUT LOVE, DATING AND SEX? STEP FORWARD STUART HOOD...

Mel smiles smugly, leans back and crosses her legs. "I don't want you getting any ideas," she says. "Just so you know, we won't be having sex tonight."

Two Sauvignon Blancs, bruschetta and some mutual-friend chat into the game, Mel's implementing her 'You're a man. All you want is sex. I want more, so I'll confront you to put you on the back foot' game plan.

In poker they'd call it going 'all in early' and advise against it.

Mel isn't any good at poker. Or, it seems, dating. All her words have ensured is that, even if we sleep together (which she mentioned, so she's considering it), we won't meet again. Because neurotic is in no way erotic.

I use the word 'game' because that's what every date should be.

A four-hour battle of wills, where contestants (daters) bring jokes, personalities, egos and agendas– securing another date, having sex, finding a husband, not having sex – to the candlelit table, then attempt to impress them upon the other person before waiting two days for the text that reveals whether or not they won.

Single late-20-something girls like Mel refuse to play games. Worried that time is ticking, hurt by men before, they play boss, controller, rule-maker.

They play The Big Woman. In truth, they play a real stinker.

The first time I met such an adversary I was intrigued. The second time I was amused. Now I just find it dull. The problem stems from flawed logic. Mel and those like her don't just want to have sex.

They want to have sex, then become boyfriend and girlfriend. And they believe 'not giving up the goods until you prove yourself worthy' ultimatums are the way to do this. They couldn't be more wrong.

Ask any successful advertiser and they'll tell you the key to winning a market, sale or, in this case, heart, is selling your positives, not focusing on another's negatives.

By dictating you aren't going to shag us because you're 'not that sort of girl', all you actually do is remind us a) 'that sort of girl' exists and 
b) she's a damn sight more fun than you.

Dear Toxic Bachelor

Q: My ex has asked me out for a drink, but I'm in a new relationship. I'm not sure what's motivating him – is meeting him a bad idea?

A: He just wants to catch up, see how your career is going, check your cat's still alive, ask about your parents, that kind of thing. I'm kidding. He wants sex. No more. No less.

He wants to prove he can still have you, and you can't get over him.

In his mind he's thinking: "Drop the 'we were good together' bomb, follow it up with the ah, weren't the old times bliss' grenade and bish, bash, bosh, it'll be hand on her leg, tongue down her throat by drink four."

If you don't fancy that then don't go.

Have you got a dating dilemma? Email toxicbachelor@fabulousmag.co.uk