TOXIC BACHELOR

WANT TO KNOW WHAT MEN REALLY THINK ABOUT LOVE, DATING AND SEX? STEP FORWARD STUART HOOD...

Gemma's grandad wasn't even dead yet, but she'd already invested her inheritance. Not in real estate, or a high interest account, or even a car. No, she was going to invest in her body.

"Boobs first," she mused. "Lifted and boosted. Then liposuction. Then a tummy tuck. Whatever's left, I'll spend on tanning, waxing and highlighting."

The most depressing part of this story is that Gemma isn't a glamour model wannabe or a 20st salad dodger.

She's an attractive, educated, emotionally sound 26 year old. Get her on almost any subject and she's fun to be around. Talk about her body though, and having your genitalia lashed with wet rope is a nicer way of spending an evening.

"I look terrible," was her opening gambit on our first date – and it went downhill from there. When we met for a second date, she was into specifics. Her skin was dry, her bum was too big and her legs didn't suit skirts.

But her main problem? Her breasts. They weren't big enough, high enough, firm enough, round enough… seriously. Enough.

Never have I looked at a woman on a date and mentally rebuilt her breasts, nose, teeth or bum. Never. I don't date a surgically enhanced fantasy, I date the woman sitting across from me.

The only problem is that said woman often isn't dating me. She's dating herself. No wonder she can't find a man. She's got dating paralysis by body over-analysis. And, quite frankly, it's the epitome of tedium.

"Implants will give me confidence," she bleats. Rubbish. After the short-term suitors have 'copped a feel' and scurried off into the night, these aesthetic alterations won't make a blind bit of difference.

She'll still be single, she'll still be unhappy. And what then? Get them boosted again? Or… Stop.

Just stop ladies, please. Stop taking the easy way out. Stop blaming men. Stop blaming society. Stop blaming the image that greets you in the mirror.

You're not single because of it. You're single because you won't accept it. And until you do, no one else will accept you.

Dear Toxic Bachelor,

I've just come out of a two-year relationship which ended after my boyfriend cheated on me. How can I avoid getting hurt again?

You might be lucky enough never to get hurt again but you can't guarantee anything – so develop a thick skin, fast.

One thing that may help is dipping your toe in the water, rather than diving in at the deep end.

In other words, ease your way back into the dating game by seeing several men, instead of placing all your eggs in one b*****d.

That way, if you're wronged by one of them, you can move on to the next one.

Believe me, being cheated on is a lot easier to take if you're playing the field as well.

Have you got a dating dilemma? Email toxicbachelor@fabulousmag.co.uk

TOXIC BACHELOR

WANT TO KNOW WHAT MEN REALLY THINK ABOUT LOVE, DATING AND SEX? STEP FORWARD STUART HOOD...

Mel smiles smugly, leans back and crosses her legs. "I don't want you getting any ideas," she says. "Just so you know, we won't be having sex tonight."

Two Sauvignon Blancs, bruschetta and some mutual-friend chat into the game, Mel's implementing her 'You're a man. All you want is sex. I want more, so I'll confront you to put you on the back foot' game plan.

In poker they'd call it going 'all in early' and advise against it.

Mel isn't any good at poker. Or, it seems, dating. All her words have ensured is that, even if we sleep together (which she mentioned, so she's considering it), we won't meet again. Because neurotic is in no way erotic.

I use the word 'game' because that's what every date should be.

A four-hour battle of wills, where contestants (daters) bring jokes, personalities, egos and agendas– securing another date, having sex, finding a husband, not having sex – to the candlelit table, then attempt to impress them upon the other person before waiting two days for the text that reveals whether or not they won.

Single late-20-something girls like Mel refuse to play games. Worried that time is ticking, hurt by men before, they play boss, controller, rule-maker.

They play The Big Woman. In truth, they play a real stinker.

The first time I met such an adversary I was intrigued. The second time I was amused. Now I just find it dull. The problem stems from flawed logic. Mel and those like her don't just want to have sex.

They want to have sex, then become boyfriend and girlfriend. And they believe 'not giving up the goods until you prove yourself worthy' ultimatums are the way to do this. They couldn't be more wrong.

Ask any successful advertiser and they'll tell you the key to winning a market, sale or, in this case, heart, is selling your positives, not focusing on another's negatives.

By dictating you aren't going to shag us because you're 'not that sort of girl', all you actually do is remind us a) 'that sort of girl' exists and 
b) she's a damn sight more fun than you.

Dear Toxic Bachelor

Q: My ex has asked me out for a drink, but I'm in a new relationship. I'm not sure what's motivating him – is meeting him a bad idea?

A: He just wants to catch up, see how your career is going, check your cat's still alive, ask about your parents, that kind of thing. I'm kidding. He wants sex. No more. No less.

He wants to prove he can still have you, and you can't get over him.

In his mind he's thinking: "Drop the 'we were good together' bomb, follow it up with the ah, weren't the old times bliss' grenade and bish, bash, bosh, it'll be hand on her leg, tongue down her throat by drink four."

If you don't fancy that then don't go.

Have you got a dating dilemma? Email toxicbachelor@fabulousmag.co.uk

TOXIC BACHELOR

Want to know what men really think about love, dating and sex? Step forward Stuart Hood...

February 14, 1995, I was one happy chappy. Not only was Karen – top five in year, top three when hair tied back – my Valentine, we'd agreed to "just swap cards", freeing finances for important things like vodka. And Irn-Bru.

We met at our special place – the geography corridor – during morning break. We had 15 minutes. We needed two. The time it took her to find out I had not, as discussed, bought her a present. "What? Darren got Laura perfume. Selfish p****," she screamed, slapping me before running into the girls' toilets, never to be seen socially again.

Fast-forward 13 years, five relationships, three jobs and two cities, and nothing has changed. This annual celebration still does what it does. It messes women up.

I'll lament women in relationships first. Why? Why do it? Valentine's Day arrives and boom, where peace was present, a storm stirs.

"Is that all I'm worth?" asked Maria, my girl of six weeks, after I'd bought her flowers and perfume. "Three kisses? Why? And 'love'? You wrote 'love'. Do you mean it?"

Woah. Woah. Stop searching. Quit analysing. There are no answers. Don't get your undercrackers interwoven. Valentine's is a performance undertaken because society sticks a knife in our back and frogmarches us to the nearest Hallmark. It's as meaningless as the sex I expect to be having on Thursday.

Narcissism? Not really, it's just that if it's obvious that attached women are messed up on Valentine's, single women need to be sectioned. They hit the town lonely, drunk, desperate and in search of 'romance'. A cocktail of low self-esteem that leaves them, well, open to an evening of togetherness.

"You're shingle, I'm shingle, let's kisshh," slurred a girl whose name I can't recall in 2003. Ten hours later she was sneaking out of my flat. Did she feel better about herself? Doubt it. Did we keep in touch? Course not. Did I care? Not one jot. It was Valentine's and on Valentine's, the single man's role is not to reason why. It's to take advantage of insecurity, then say goodbye.

Dear Toxic Bachelor

Should I go out for dinner with a guy who works in the same office as my ex? I'm tempted, but I'm worried it could get messy.

What's the dilemma? Of course you should! If you didn't, what would be next? "Oh he's got the same name as my ex, so I better not go near him" or "he's got the same make of jeans, I can't possibly let him buy me a drink." When you break up with someone the only people on the 'banned' list for new partners are family members, close friends and mutual acquaintances – the rest of the world is fair game. So quit worrying and get on with your life because I can assure you, he is. In fact, he's probably dating someone you know right now.