TOXIC BACHELOR

STUART HOOD HAS NO PROBLEM DATING SINGLE MUMS - WITHIN REASON...

Steven Gerrard bedlinen. Fernando Torres posters. More footballs than Soccer Scene… Clearly this wasn't the toilet. And, equally clearly, Ruth had fibbed.

"Nothing of note," she'd smiled, when I'd questioned her about her previous relationships. Now I know I'm fairly deficient at cracking female codes, but if anyone can explain how "nothing of note" equates to: "I have a Liverpool-mad seven-year-old son called Craig," I'll wire my wages to a charity of their choice.

"I thought he'd scare you off," Ruth explained, after my accidental toilet detour forced her to reveal all. 
"I know what you guys think."

Glad she did, because it was news to me that "us guys" view single mothers as "more trouble than they're worth" or "a complication we don't need".

As long as you're upfront about it
(a casual drop into conversation, not "table for three, make one a high chair"), men have no problem dating a woman with children. In the end, I dumped Ruth because she was a perennial liar, not because she had a son.

The problems emerge when we end up dating a woman and her children. We ask you out because we like and want to get to know you. That's you. Not your daughter. Not your mother. You. We want to talk about you, spend time with you, get closer to you.

And, sure, part of this will involve your child, because he/she is, quite rightly, so important in your life. That's fine. Talk about them all you want. Maybe even introduce us after a couple of months. But do not, repeat do not, attempt to bestow even the most miniscule of fatherly responsibilities upon us (school run, nappy changing, Santa outfit to deliver presents). We will turn tail and run because it's unfair on your kid.

We're your boyfriend, not their babysitter. Your lover, not their: "new dada". Until you're certain we're going to become a permanent fixture in your life, we need to be mummy's little secret.

Dear Toxic Bachelor

I've been going out with my boyfriend for nine months and he's just announced he's going travelling for a year. He says he wants us to stay faithful, but I'm not sure that's realistic. What do you think?

I don't think, I remember. I remember a flood of early-in-the-trip calls getting scarcer and scarcer. I remember a world full of women. I remember frustration. I remember a youth hostel bunk bed with two people in it. I remember guilt (mine). I remember tears (hers). Your bloke won't mean to hurt you, but he will. End it. You can always spark things up again when he's back.

TOXIC BACHELOR

STUART HOOD EXPLAINS WHY MATES AND DATES DON'T GO TOGETHER

Of all the places I've broken up with a woman, a wet and muddy field in Scotland remains the most memorable. It was a cold July and, against my better judgment, I'd included my girlfriend Nikki on the T In The Park team sheet. The team was therefore made up of eight boys and one girl. To put it another way, it was The Worst Idea Ever.

"I'll be fine, I'll join in," enthused Nikki about the music festival. She wasn't and she didn't. I tried to understand.

I tried to pick the grass off her hot dogs.

I tried to be considerate. But there's only so much moaning one man can take.

So when she demanded I find "a toilet that didn't stink", I erupted. She'd ruined my weekend. We were over.

By the time I got back to the tent, she was gone.

You're probably thinking: "Poor girl, what a b******," and, on paper, I can see where you're coming from. But in the real world, she was the one at fault. She broke one of dating's golden rules: she merged
two tribes.

So now's the part where I tell you how you can wow your boyfriend's friends, right? Wrong. You can't. Be yourself and you can get them to like you. But you will never, ever, get to a point where they want you on their nights out – because you alter the dynamic. The conversation's different, the jokes are different and, most of all, your boyfriend's different. Mate Stu and date Stu are two separate entities. It's not sad. It's sensible.

Every healthy relationship needs an escape pod. And this doesn't mean getting plastered, slagging you off and sleeping with other women. It means scheduling time apart to exercise our masculinity (pub, football) and your femininity (cocktails, shopping) and remind ourselves how different (read: lost) we would be without you. Allow us this freedom and we'll love you all the more. Gatecrash our party, and your invitation is likely to be rescinded. Permanently.

Dear Toxic Bachelor   

I finished with my ex a year ago. Although he’s seeing someone new, he won’t stop pestering me. Why is he behaving like this?

Congratulations – you were obviously a very good lover (or he’s a grade-A psycho). But back to the point. Meet his texts head on. Men don’t take a failure to respond to a message as rejection, but as a partial success. After all, you haven’t technically said: “No. Not ever.” Make that crucial word (no) clear and it’ll get him off your back. Hasn’t worked? Beckon the authorities.

Stuart Hood is Regulars Editor of FHM Photography: Lancton Illustration: Spencer Wilson

TOXIC BACHELOR

STUART HOOD ON WHY WOMEN SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO DATE A MAN-RAT

Aaarrgghh! I'm angry. Angry with all you women for not being able to spot a manipulative man-rat. And angry for all you women who have to put up with said human/rodent hybrid. You deserve better. But as I've learnt, those three words just don't get through.

'You deserve better' example one: Duke of York pub, King's Cross, July 2006. A date ends with the revelation from Emma: "I've enjoyed myself, 
but I can't commit. I can't commit to anyone. My last boyfriend beat me."

'You deserve better' example two: Mobile phone, Old Street, October 2007. A night out is interrupted by a phone call from a damsel in distress. Rachel's caught her bloke cheating. Again. How could the b****** do it to her? He'd promised last time "was the last time".

'You deserve better' example three: sitting room, my house, London, last week. My friend Paula was down for the weekend. How were things? Bad. Her bloke viewed her as a short-term solution. He'd told her she didn't live up to his usual standards. "But he buys me presents, so he's not all bad – is he?"

Three different women – all educated, all attractive, all sought-after – who sum up so many women's problems. Despite reasons and opportunities to get out, this trio stay in, or go back to, relationships that are irreparable. Why? Because of the belief that they "can change him". Newsflash, ladies: you can't.

Why would said man change? You're beaten down, you're loyal, you're just where he wants you. You look good on his arm when he needs you, and you don't ask questions when he doesn't. He can do what he wants, when he wants. If you object, a slap, a pressie or a false promise will keep you quiet.

"Better the devil you know," says Paula.

Absolute crap. You're not worthless. You're not a loser. You're with a loser.

I agree that you should change him – but change as in swap, not alter. You don't just deserve better, you deserve much, much better. Now go and work this out for yourself.

Dear Toxic Bachelor

My boyfriend is a mummy's boy. If she calls, he's at her house in a flash, regardless of whether he's meant to be seeing me. What can I do?

Are you seriously considering ordering him to tell the woman who produced him where to go? See a doctor, because you're delusional. If a change is going to happen, it will happen incrementally. You'll grow closer, he'll trust you more and, over time, he'll call Mummy, then you; then you, then Mummy; and finally, just you. Wait for your chance to shine and he'll give it to you. Issue the ‘me or her' ultimatum and there's only one possible outcome.